Friday, August 6, 2010

breakdowns and childhood memories

ever had that one moment where everything seems to fade away,ur mind goes into a blank state,u cant think anymore,and u realise that ur not urself,and u cant do anything about it,ur body moves by itself,u cant control ur actions,and u forget everything..

i just had one of those moments,just a few minutes ago,and i could only remember vaguely..
im not going to tell the reason why i had this breakdown, its too personal to tell people..
after the incident that led to that breakdown, i was still normal, or so i thought i was, out of nowhere i decided to take a walk around my apartment, just to clear my mind, get some fresh air, just to get out of my cramped room that made me feel uneasy. i threw on my hoodie, took my phone, and went down, i did some rounds and started to talk to myself, just walking down the road doing my own shit, took me a whole 10 minutes to walk around the whole lot, and out of nowhere, things suddenly went out of control, i couldnt stop talking, heck, i cant even remember what i was talking about, at that moment i started to feel weird, my arms and legs were weak, a slight chill went through my spine, it got cold all of a sudden, that moment i started to come back, i was scared, looking left and right, i finally snapped, i walked faster heading towards my building,sat down on the stairs, and started weeping like a little kid. i took my sweet time to calm myself down, just sat there...

i remembered alot of things during that moment, i started to remember my childhood, how rough and lonely it was, i took a good look at my house, looked at the road that led to the playground i frequently visited alone. the parking lots filled with cars and bikes, the lonely guard sleeping in the guardhouse,it was all the same, the scene was still the same as i remembered when i was a little kid..
but not everything was the same, i didnt have any friends when i was a kid, and that led to me playing alone in my own little world, the sewers became secret passageways to an unknown world, the playground became my own little fortress, the trees surrounding the lot became my own army of giants, and i was the hero of my own fairytale, running along the buildings, fighting imaginary villains with my toys, hiding behind cars, climbing staircases in every building clearing up the baddies..but all of that has changed now, the sewers became,well..sewers, my fortress became rusted and filled with graffiti, all the swings and slides were in ruins, and the trees, my army of giants just became old and rotten, that was all 12 years ago..and i have changed to, from becoming a lonely kid in a world of his own, to a fully grown teen 19 years of age, with more things to think of other than tree giants and playground fortresses.

all the memories that came back to me helped ease my pain, calmed me down, thinking how silly i was during a kid, knowing now that im lonely no more, and i should never give up on something..and now here i am, telling my story to those who are kind enough to read..


1 comment:

  1. Bear, stay strong... if writing can make u feel better , keep on doing it !!!